


Jealous

by narry_pynch_shaylor



Category: The Flash (TV 2014), The Flash - All Media Types
Genre: Confused Barry, Cutting, F/M, Felicity Is Dead, Flash Fan Fiction Friday, Flash Fic, Flash Is Life, Hurt Barry, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Bad At Titles, Jealous Barry, Poor Barry, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, eddie is alive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-29
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-17 01:57:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5849605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/narry_pynch_shaylor/pseuds/narry_pynch_shaylor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It didn't even feel... Real.</p><p>Here Barry was, stood at the altar, watching Iris walk down the aisle in a stunning white dress, radiating a glow of happiness, arm linked with Joe's. She shot him a smile, a smile that sent his heart up to his mouth and made him want to grin like the biggest idiot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It didn't even feel... Real.

Here Barry was, stood at the altar, watching Iris walk down the aisle in a stunning white dress, radiating a glow of happiness, arm linked with Joe's. She shot him a smile, a smile that sent his heart up to his mouth and made him want to grin like the biggest idiot. 

Joe released Iris with a short kiss to the cheek, hurrying to stand beside Barry with tears in his eyes.

Yes, the smile Iris had given him was stunning, but the one she gave to her soon-to-be-husband was positively beautiful and her eyes filled with love and passion.

He felt it then. The tug at his heartstrings. Here was Iris, standing at the altar, golden sunlight illuminating her features and defining the soft curve of her lips, the curl of her long eyelashes, the shadows beneath her high cheekbones, splashing her dark locks with bronze. She looked better than he had ever dreamed, and he had dreamed of this moment a lot.

The only problem was, she wasn't marrying him. 

Barry fought the sob that threatened to rise in his throat. She wasn't his and was never going to be. Yes, Wells had shown them that stupid newspaper article, that had got his stupid hopes up and of course stupid Barry had stupidly believed it...  
And it turns out it was completely untrue.

Because Eddie Thawne was marrying Iris West.   
And there's no way she'd turn around and say no now.

"Do you Iris West take Edward Thawne .."

Barry squeezed his eyes shut, trying hard to push down the sudden onslaught of emotion that swept over him. 

"I do." Iris said it with such certainty, her dark eyes practically sparkling as she looked upon Eddie.

"And do you.."   
He wanted to scream, to shout, to beat his head against the wall, to curse himself over and over, to go back in time, to change this... This...

"I do." 

Eddie's back was to him but he could hear the adoration in his voice. He doted on Iris. Gave her the love and attention she deserved.

" ..speak now or forever hold your peace."

Forever hold your peace. If he didn't speak now, it really would be the end of any fantasies coming true. This was his last chance.   
Joe was looking at him, eyes a little worried, silently pleading with him not to do it.   
He couldn't. Couldn't ruin iris's special day, couldn't ruin her happy mood, couldn't hurt her like that.  
Forever hold your peace.

He was just going to have to find a way to survive.

****

Everyone was busy celebrating, showering the newly wed couple in confetti and petals. Oliver Queen stood a little way from everyone else, eyes dark with loss and pain. All he could think about was the ring that had glittered on Felicity's finger, the surprise and delight in her eyes, their last, perfect kiss.  
This could have been them. He could almost picture it, Felicity looking like an angel, shy in a sweeping white dress. But no, she was a real angel now. Gone. Forever. He struggled with the anger that surged through his veins, and turned his back on the procession, walking slowly away.

Caitlin was clapping, lips raised in a smile, but her eyes kept darting to Iris' bouquet. Yellow flowers. Like her and Ronnie's wedding.   
She wouldn't admit it right now, but she was hurting. This big event, this beautiful ceremony, had been her dream.  
But when it came down to it, she'd preferred her quieter, more private ceremony. Just the people she loved celebrating her and Ronnie's love for one another.  
But this... It brought back memories. As Eddie and Iris' lips touched, she could only think of Ronnie's face, centimetres away, mouth moving to form three little words that meant the world.  
Her eyes snagged on Cisco, some metres away, his eyes intent, brow furrowed. She followed his gaze to Barry, the latter staring at the ground, slightly apart from everyone else.   
"He'll get over it." She turned to find Joe by her side, narrowed eyes fixed on Barry.   
"I don't think he will." Caitlin shook her head, hooking her hair behind her ear.  
"He's tough. He can do it. He's survived so much already."  
"I don't think he can. I don't think he has. I think he's put on a happy face every day and he's not OK about, not really. He's a broken kid, Joe."   
"I think you underestimate him, Caitlin. He's stronger than you think."  
"No, Joe, you're the one overestimating him. I've..." She faltered. She'd promised Barry she wouldn't tell anyone.   
"You...what?" Joe was looking curious and concerned.  
"Its nothing. You're probably right. I'm just gonna go talk to Cisco, haven't spoken to him today."  
She scurried over to his side, glancing back at Joe's confused face.  
"Is it me, or is Barry looking mopier than usual?"   
"No, he really is," She replied anxiously, taking in his downcast green eyes and the tremble of his hands.   
"Should we talk to him?" He looked at her, worried.  
"I think we should leave him be..." Caitlin pointed at Oliver, the Arrow making his way to Barry's side and talking lowly, "he's already being taken care of."

***

Barry hated this.  
Oliver was muttering lowly, about how he needed to at least look pleased, at least smile, at least congratulate the couple, at least look like he was enjoying himself.   
At least look happy for them.  
The thing was, he was happy. He was over the moon, in fact. Iris was looking delighted, completely and utterly elated and joyful, twined around Eddie as countless people chattered to them, Eddie himself flushing red as he gazed upon her beautiful face.  
Jealousy ripped through Barry, tearing through his stomach with such intensity he doubled over, crying out in agony, and finally, finally letting the tears flow, steady streams of pain and sorrow and regret, everything he had been keeping bottled up, finally on display, just how broken he was beneath his mask, just how regretful he was for all his missed chances, how much he wanted his mum, his dad, his girl, his family.  
It was spilling out of him in huge wracked sobs, each slice of air filling his lungs and leaving before he'd even caught his breath, each shake of his body as he quivered in the bright warmth of the sun, each whimper and cry that escaped his parted lips.  
Joe was beside him suddenly, grabbing his elbow as his knees buckled, Oliver standing shocked off to one side, Caitlin and Cisco pushing through the crowd of wedding guests to get to him. All these people rushing to him, and the only one he really wanted was completely ignoring him, too busy twined around her husband, their lips slotting together.   
"... Barry did you hear me?" His head snapped to meet Joe's and he instantly smoothed out his features, creating a differential mask. "I'm sorry, what did you say?" He conjured up a smile from deep inside himself, pushing down the emotions and channeling his tears into a smile.  
"I asked if you were OK?"   
"I'm fine, Joe."  
Fine. He'd used it so often, the lie rolled off his tongue naturally.   
"You hurt?"  
"Just a stomach cramp. I'm fine."  
Caitlin's eyes were worried and a little accusatory. Of course. She knew.

/"Barry!" She gasped as she removed the top half of his suit to remove the bullet wound. He was woozy and dazed, so out of it he hadn't realised what she was doing.  
"No! Don't!" He said feebly, fingers flopping as though trying to push her away.  
"What have you done!" She cried inspecting the dark lines that tracked a path from his elbow to shoulder.  
"Nothing, Caitlin I'm fine."  
"Some of these are infected!" She exclaimed.  
"Just leave them!" He snapped, "forget them!"  
She'd pursed her lips and done as he'd asked, and soon, they were healed up with no trace./

He was running. When had he left the wedding? He couldn't remember. Had all the guests seen him leave? He hoped not.   
Then again, it would explain the Flash's sudden disappearance when Barry Allen jumped off a building.  
His knees were still shaking, making him stumble and shiver, veering him into the side of a van. He staggered back to his feet and set off again, his speed coming in fits and bursts. This wasn't right. Why wasn't he feeling the speed force as strongly as usual?  
And then it gave out completely, sending him sprawling in the mud, suit stained and ruined. He lay on his back,staring at the perfect blue sky, blinded by the harsh sun. If he just lay here and gave up would anyone notice? If he died here would someone find his body? He was far out of central city now, way past starling, deserted fields of deadened grass spread on either side of him. The last road he'd seen was miles back.   
He couldn't move. Couldn't shift his eyes from the burning light. So he just lay there.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HUGE TRIGGER WARNING IN THIS CHAPTER!!!!!
> 
> YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
> 
> How long had Barry been hiding? Cisco wondered, Or had he always? Was it only coming into light now?

"He was sighted on the west road out of starling!" Oliver leaned over from the back seat, talking loud to be heard over the steady thrum of the engine. Joe cursed and spun the wheel as Kate tapped onto her iPad.   
"That's a few miles away." She said anxiously, zooming in on the map.   
They had left Iris and Eddie at the wedding, letting the two enjoy their special day and assuring them that they would call as soon as they found him.  
"What if he's hurt?" Caitlin bit his lip, "I mean, his running may have gone a bit... Out of control if his emotions are too strong?"  
"What if he time travels?" Cisco interrupted suddenly, "what if he time travels back to a time before Iris and Eddie were going out? Changes his decisions? Changes everything?"  
"He hasn't, or we'd know." Oliver's mouth was a thin, painful, hard pressed line.  
They sat in silence as they approached the west road.   
"Any sign of him?" Joe said anxiously, neck craning this way and that.  
"This was where he was last sighted Joe, but that doesn't mean he's still here... He could be halfway around the country right now." Oliver glanced at the fields.  
Joe's phone burst to life and he retrieved it, flicking it open to answer it. "Hello?"  
"..."  
"Oh, thank god... Where is he?"  
"..."  
"Holy... That's fifteen miles out. We'll be there in 20 minutes.. Is he hurt?"  
"..."  
"Oh.. Ok thank you sir. So much."  
Joe ended the call and sat back with a sigh.  
"Some farmer found him passed out in his field. He's at his place, on Greenshaw's farm... He's ok."  
Caitlin sighed in relief and Oliver hissed out a breath. Cisco just closed his eyes, picturing Barry bent double at the wedding, the agonised cries as his face screwed up in pain. And then so quickly he barely noticed, he was stood up, expression blank, eyes emotionless, a smile forcing its way onto his face. How long had Barry been hiding? Cisco wondered, Or had he always? Was it only coming into light now?

***

Barry lay back on his bed, eyes closed, breathing in and out, in and out. Supplying his body with oxygen. Earlier he'd sipped at a glass of water, nibbled at some toast. Supplying his body with what it needed to carry on.   
So why did he feel like giving up? Why was his chest cavity feeling like it was bruised and broken?   
He loved Iris. He couldn't even remember a time when he hadn't. The feelings had been there for as long as he could remember.   
Is that why his body wasn't working properly? It had grown so accustomed to those feelings that now he just felt ... Empty. Stomach growling. Heartbeat slow. Speed force evaporated. 

He needed to feel again. But would he ever if Iris was gone? Well, not gone. But never to be looked upon the way he had looked upon her for years. Never with feelings of love. 

He couldn't even cry any more. Tears were worthless. They just made him emptier.   
He needed to feel. 

He checked the door, ensuring it was locked, before swinging his legs out of bed. He made his way to the shower, flicking it up to the highest temperature and letting his hand fall under the steam. It burned. Angry and red and raised, blistering in the boiling water. He smiled at that, a small, wicked smile and stripped his clothes off, standing under the cascade of heat. He could feel his body tingling, the painful burst of his blood vessels, the burns turning his skin raw and ugly.  
Just how he felt.   
He turned his face up to the shower and sighed. He could feel. He could feel each prick as a droplet of water met his skin.   
"Barry? You OK in there?" Joe. Outside his bedroom door. He quickly turned off the shower and covered himself in a towel, stinging and skin a violent shade of scarlet. His hands were starting to look purple and bruised. Good. He wanted to show the agony he felt inside on the outside.  
"Barry?"  
He didn't answer, throat feeling strange due to the misuse of his voice. How long had it been? A week since the wedding?  
"Iris is back... Thought I'd let you know."  
Iris. Returned from her honeymoon with her precious Eddie.   
Iris Thawne-West. He snorted quietly in disgust and smashed his razor to the ground. The plastic shattered and the slim, shiny piece of metal winked at him in the light, sharp edge tempting.   
It was clamped between his fingers, edge pressing to his skin and he smiled once more. This was love. The feeling in his stomach he got every time he slit his skin. Every time he hurt, it was like a drug, euphoric, something beautiful.   
The cuts were getting longer, the blade going deeper, as he shredded at his skin, eyes unfocused and body swaying. Rivulets of crimson were pouring down his arms, his body was swallowed in sorrow, mind swamped in pain. "Joe!" He called out in horror as the blood started running faster, not stopping, not healing at his usual speed. Of course. He had lost his speed force.   
He stumbled for his bedroom, grabbing paper and a pen, shakily drawing large cumbersome letters on the sheet.   
Several times he had thought of suicide. Mostly before he was the Flash. After that, he had a reason to be alive, a responsibility. A flame of hope in his heart. He could save people. There was a point to his life.   
After that he had vowed never to kill himself. Not purposely. But he'd never thrown away the notes.  
And here he was, vision blurring, blood pumping from his damaged veins, directing the people he loved to his last words.  
"Joe!" He cried out again weakly, dropping to all fours and retching onto the carpet, leaving a foul taste in his mouth.  
He crawled forwards, barely conscious and unlocked the door, collapsing over the threshold. "Joe." He rasped again,"Iris."  
Footsteps sounded as he rolled onto his side, eyes half lidded. This was it. He was going to die. 

As Iris' screams rebound around the house, he gave up.

***

"It is here upon this day that we announce the death of the Flash."  
"Barry Allen, a forensic scientist for the CSI, and formerly the Flash, committed suicide yesterday."  
"The Flash revealed his true identity on his deathbed;  
Barry Allen, son of Nora Allen who was murdered 11 years ago and Henry Allen who was recently found innocent of her murder, committed suicide yesterday..."  
"The Flash is dead, and we can reveal that Barry Allen, forensic scientist for the local police was the man behind the mask..."  
"Hundreds flock to the funeral of Barry Allen, the man better known as the flash.."  
"Many grateful civilians made their way to the funeral of the flash today, remembering his bravery and selfless deeds as a hero to this city."  
Joe switched off the TV. It was on every channel. Everywhere. Everyone was talking about the Flash. Barry. Barry who he'd brought up like a son, who he'd loved like his own child...  
Caitlin was dabbing at her eyes, makeup streaking down her cheeks with guilty tears. She'd told everyone the truth about her discovery of the cuts Barry had inflicted upon himself, filled with shame as they all swore they didn't blame her. First Ronnie, now Barry. How many more people was she going to lose?  
"Here," Cisco pressed a beer bottle into Joe's hand, the older man staring at it for a few seconds before twisting the cap.   
He sighed, looking at Joe in worry. He had just lost his best friend, and that had been bad enough. But losing the boy you'd taken in and risen like a son? He shook his head and gulped at his beer. If Barry had been here now, he'd have picked up his own bottle, acting annoyed at Cisco for not picking one up for him, playful and cheerful. But he wasn't. He wouldn't ever be again. And that realisation stung worse than anything else.   
Eddie was staring out of the window, blue eyes intent on the sunset. He hadn't been close to Barry. He wasn't sure they'd even been friends... Just friendly. And now he'd be forever regretful that he'd never got to know the lad, never got the chance to see the side of Barry that those closest to him knew.   
He peered down at Henry Allen, the older man sitting on the patch of grass just outside the window. He had sobbed at the funeral, great heaving sobs that had torn at the heartstrings of everyone. Eddie could only begin to imagine how he felt. His wife murdered, his son committed suicide. He had no one left. Nothing.   
Iris curled up on Barry's bed, enveloped in his favourite star labs sweater and breathing in the strong scent of aftershave, hair gel and something sharp and male, something that she could only describe as Barry.   
"Dear Iris" she whispered aloud. They'd all found notes. Under his bed, in a small flat box, beneath photographs of him and his mum, him and his dad, him and Iris...   
"I love you. You don't even understand how much I love you. I know these feelings are just chemical reactions in my body, releasing endorphins and such. I know its perfectly logical and nothing magical, but every time I look at you, all I can think is... That can't be science. It just can't. This is something too big, too powerful for science to explain.   
If you're reading this, then either you're sneaking around in my room when you shouldn't be, or I'm gone. And if it's the latter, there's a few things you need to know.   
At the time of writing, I have just come out of my coma. One week ago. I found out you and Eddie were going out last week. 6 days ago, Joe realised I was the Flash.  
Yes, I am the flash. And I'm sorry I hid it from you. But I am. I wanted to keep you safe. Because those who know too much are targeted, those who know my true identity could be killed. And I care for you too much to let that happen.   
I am happy for you and Eddie. Really I am. I just wish you'd see how I feel, wish you'd return my feelings. Every time I see you guys together, I want to break down and cry.  
I want to be honest with you Iris. I started self-harming at 12, shortly after my mum died. My life was torn at the seams, my family was stolen away from me in one night. I loved living with you and your dad, I really did, but I missed my old life too much. You came in the first night, remember? That was the first time. I told you I'd had a nosebleed, that I would sort it out and was fine. You gave me a hug and brought me a glass of water and tissues. I feel guilty that I wasn't truthful... But I just couldn't tell you.  
I carried on like that for a couple of months until I realised summer was coming around and I couldn't wear long jeans anymore. Nobody ever noticed Iris. And I was so pleased with myself.

But I've made a vow Iris. To the people of Central City. I am the Flash and I can help people. I have purpose, a reason to keep going. So I will. I will keep helping the people of Central City for as long as I can. 

I love you so so much. I'm so sorry that I'm gone. You're my best friend Iris.   
Lots of Love,  
Barry xx"

Iris broke down and weeped into his pillow, breathing in his scent and pretending he was here, beside her, waiting to open his arms and hold her. But he wasn't. He wouldn't ever be.   
Something inside her snapped and before she knew it, she was screaming, punching the pillows.  
"I LOVE YOU GODDAMMIT BARRY! I LOVE YOU! DO YOU HEAR ME? I LOV-" she broke off into sobs of despair, whole body shaking. "I love you Barr'." She mumbled softly, closing her eyes and still clutching the note,slowly falling asleep.

Oliver stood across the road from the house, watching everyone with a frown on his face, before turning and pulling his hood up to shadow his features, making his way to the graveyard. His hand smoothed over the rough edge of the new gravestone, fingers finding the ridges of the carved letters.   
"Oh Barry," he said quietly shaking his head, "why?"   
Of course he knew why. Love was a powerful force. And it can either make or break you.  
It broke Barry.  
"She loves you, you know that? We all do. We miss you bud."  
He gazed down at the words again, feeling a pang in his chest. Barry Allen, the boy so intent on saving everyone, had needed saving himself.  
And no one had noticed.  
He looked up as John approached and Sighed, patting the headstone and standing up.  
"Let's go."   
They walked away without a backward glance.

 

***

 

"Here lies Barry Allen, beloved son, brother, friend and hero.  
He lies in the hearts of all those he touched."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do have an alternate ending to this :) so if you guys want me to post it, please let me know in the comments!


End file.
